My Friends, (John…I can call you John can’t I...Lose this terminology, it even offends people in your own party, especially the Conservatives. We are not your friends; your wife would not add our names to her social registry. Her Daddy is a convicted felon, but his money buys her social stature.)
Last week, I was humbled to win the support of 1,191 delegates and officially become the presumptive nominee of our party. (Stop lying, you were relieved that Huckabee finally stopped being a bug up your ass.) It was a great honor to also receive the endorsement of President Bush (John, we watched the press conference, you looked liked a rabid raccoon caught in a snare…it was obvious you were pissed that Bush would not let you get a word in edgewise.) and visit the Republican National Committee to begin laying out our strategy for victory in November. We face a tough challenge, but I’m confident that together we will win.
It’s been a long journey. (Guys, I need a break here, not as young as I used to be, so can some of you step up and carry the ball for a few weeks while I try to recharge my battery?) While I would like to sit back and reflect on what we’ve been through over these many months, there will be time for that later. Right now, beginning today, we must join together as a party. (Come on Conservatives, I know I am not your man, but would you rather see Clinton or Obama in the Oval Office…trust me, once I bring Bush’s team on board, you’ll swear George Bush won a third term in office.) We must unite as we face either Senator Clinton or Senator Obama in November. I ask that you join me today and make a financial commitment to help our campaign replenish our resources to achieve our goals. ( I raised $12 million dollars last month, and the two Democratic heavyweights brought in over $80 million! I need money, and LOTS of it…who wants to buy some favor?
Now we move into the second phase of this campaign. Together, we must convince the American people that our shared conservative principles and my election as president, are in the best interests of the country we love. (You want to over turn Roe verse Wade, you want another Roberts or Alito on the Supreme Court, you had best get behind me and start singing my praises. Our ability to legislate morality, to force our religious views on the rest of the nation depend on keeping Republicans in the White House.)
And this will be, without question, the toughest phase. (We Republicans are not very well liked right now, hell we even have problems in our own party with defections every day as our base registers as Independents.) From this moment forward, whomever the Democrats choose, we will face a candidate directly opposed to us on every important issue facing our nation. (Permanent tax cuts for the richest Americans, destroying the middleclass, our oil war in
As I’ve said many times, this election is about big things. (The North American
We have prepared for this fight for a long, long time. It begins today. We’ve come this far. Let’s go on to victory. (Preserving the George W. Bush doctrine depends on you digging deep, giving until it hurts.)
P.S. I cannot overemphasize how critical it is to rebuild our campaign resources as quickly as possible. (The Straight Talk Express is running on fumes, and Mitt Romney will not give me access to his donors unless I name him my VP.) I urge you to please make whatever contribution you can today, right now, by following this link. There will be no second chances in this fight. (Wink, wink…if we can keep things close, we do have the Supreme Court in our back pocket.) This is our moment to join together and show the strength of our party. (Come on Conservatives, stop your grousing and get in line…I need Ann Coulter’s endorsement, and Rush needs to be attacking Clinton, not me.) Thank you.